


Eventually [说不出口]

by sparksfly7



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 欢乐颂 | Ode to Joy (TV) RPF
Genre: F/F, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 01:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7739077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparksfly7/pseuds/sparksfly7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re always talking about how you want me to find a boyfriend.”</p><p>Liu Tao frowns. “That’s just because I want you to find someone who can make you happy.”</p><p>Jiang Xin’s voice rises. “Did you ever think that maybe I already found that someone?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eventually [说不出口]

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was mainly inspired by [this moment](https://youtu.be/a87OhvFXKrQ?t=7m50s), when Liu Tao says that they're just friends who are having fun and who aren't really anything, and Jiang Xin...gets this look on her face that hurts me.
> 
> This will require a knowledge of the characters and actresses/actors of [Ode to Joy/欢乐颂](https://youtu.be/4wGpu56WQGQ?list=PLkvG4EWPDB0lfkMGmz15BSt3I6O_8Dmki) and a working knowledge of the main characters in [Nirvana in Fire/琅琊榜](https://youtu.be/X337arDKgJg?list=PL1eqDROx9mjMCRjvZwOu74qyau3vEssTx). I went with the rumour that Hu Ge is joining the cast of _Ode to Joy_ for Season 2.
> 
> A really quick synopsis of the people who show up and/or are mentioned in this fic:  
> Liu Tao - plays Andy in OTJ, Mu Nihuang (Princess Nihuang) in NIF  
> Jiang Xin - plays Fan Shengmei (Fan-jie, Fan-xiaomei) in OTJ  
> Hu Ge - plays (unknown) in OTJ, Su Zhe/Mei Changsu/Ling Shu (Mu Nihuang's love interest) in NIF  
> Wang Ziwen - plays Qu Xiaoxiao in OTJ  
> Yang Zi - plays Qiu Yingying (Qiuyin) in OTJ  
> Qiao Xin - plays Guan Juner (Guanguan) in OTJ  
> Wang Kai - plays Zhao Qiping in OTJ (Dr. Zhao, Qu Xiaoxiao's and Guan Juner's love interest), Xiao Jingyan (Prince Jing, Mei Changsu's ~~love interest~~ best friend) in NIF  
>  Jin Dong - plays Tan Zongming (Lao Tan, Andy's boss) in OTJ, Lin Chen (Mei Changsu's friend/doctor) in NIF  
> Zhang Lu - plays Wang Baichuan (Fan Shengmei's love interest) in OTJ  
> Qin Hailu - Liu Tao's best and oldest friend  
> Huo Jianhua - Hu Ge's close friend with whom he is a huge ship  
> Lin Xinru - Liu Tao's close friend, Huo Jianhua's fiancee at time of writing of this fic, now wife
> 
> Okay so that wasn't so quick hahahhaha I wrote about more people than I intended. Oops.
> 
> Thank you to Caroline, who constantly ~~harassed~~ encouraged me to finish this. It would probably have rotted away in my graveyard of WIPs forever without you.

Liu Tao is a very meticulous person who plans to the last detail, but sometimes time races by so quickly that she’s left trying to catch its coattails in its wake. Filming for _Ode to Joy_ season 2 starts before she realizes. She enjoys acting a lot, enjoys stepping out of herself into another person, into another world, even, but she’s also enjoyed her short break from the big screen. However, there is a particular bright spot to filming _Ode to Joy_ and that is—

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ten years,” Jiang Xin says, flopping onto Liu Tao’s bed like it’s her own.

Liu Tao smiles. “How have I aged?”

Jiang Xin gives her a long look, like she’s studying Liu Tao’s features. “Wonderfully, of course. My woman has to be beautiful.”

“Are you going to abandon me for a younger woman if my looks fade?”

“Of course not. Did you forget what I said? Even when you get old, I’ll still be your top.” Jiang Xin winks, and Liu Tao rolls her eyes but the corners of her mouth quirk up.

She joins Jiang Xin on the bed and nudges her over to make room for herself. They lie there, touching from shoulder to hip, and Jiang Xin takes Liu Tao’s hand, lacing their fingers together. Liu Tao turns her head toward Jiang Xin and realizes that their faces are only a few inches apart. They’ve kissed each other on the lips many times before, but something about the sudden proximity makes a wave of tension roll through Liu Tao’s shoulders. Jiang Xin coughs and turns her head so that she’s looking at the ceiling.

“How are you?” Liu Tao asks, conversational and then concerned. “You look tired.”

“Thanks,” Jiang Xin says dryly. “That’s nice to hear.”

“Come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that.” Liu Tao reaches out with the hand that’s not in Jiang Xin’s to trace the dark circles around her eyes. Jiang Xin is so pale that dark circles always show prominently on her face. Wang Ziwen once teased her that she looked like a ghost without makeup, and Jiang Xin sulked for the rest of the night and Liu Tao had to coax her out of moping with a box of her favourite pastries. “Have you not been sleeping well?”

“You’re the one who sleeps three hours per night. I should be asking you that question.”

“Hey, you know I sleep more than that now.”

“What, four hours?”

“You need to take better care of yourself,” Liu Tao insists. “Your sleeping patterns are too irregular. And you didn’t answer my question. Really, how have you been sleeping?”

“I’ve been sleeping fine,” Jiang Xin says. “I just couldn’t sleep well last night.”

Liu Tao grins. “Was it because you were looking forward to seeing me too much?”

“No.” Jiang Xin clears her throat. “Maybe.” She’s blushing, all the way from her face to her neck to her—Liu Tao moves her eyes to Jiang Xin’s. “I missed you, okay?”

Liu Tao squeezes her hand. “I missed you too.”

“Did you really?” There’s something almost…vulnerable about Jiang Xin’s voice.

“Of course,” Liu Tao says. “You’re one of the main reasons that I’m happy to be here.”

“You love filming this drama,” Jiang Xin says. “You love Andy.”

“I do.” She’s acted in so many dramas, played so many characters, but Andy is one of her ultimate favourites. Liu Tao thinks about quipping, “ _Fan-xiaomei loves Andy too, right?_ ” but something in Jiang Xin’s face stops her. Instead, she says, sincerely, “I love filming this drama because of a lot of reasons, because of Andy, because of the script, because of the cast, but because of you too. You’re a big reason.”

Jiang Xin stares at her for a long moment. Liu Tao wonders what she’s thinking. Usually, she can tell quite easily with Jiang Xin, because a) Jiang Xin is terrible at hiding what she’s feeling, b) Liu Tao is pretty good with people and c) Liu Tao is very good with Jiang Xin, but not in this case.

Here’s the thing about Jiang Xin – she would proclaim that she’s the centre of Liu Tao’s universe, but secretly she would doubt how close their friendship really is. Liu Tao doesn’t understand why she has this insecurity; Jiang Xin is so...so Jiang Xin, and she doesn’t have anything to be insecure about.

“You’re so cheesy,” Jiang Xin finally says, bumping her shoulder against Liu Tao’s. “No wonder you pick up girls so easily.”

Liu Tao grins. “Did I manage to pick you up?”

“Uh, excuse you – it’s the other way around,” Jiang Xin says with great dignity. “Don’t forget that I’m your boyfriend.”

“How could I?” Liu Tao says wryly. “You never fail to remind me.”

Jiang Xin crosses her arms over her chest. “I have to make sure you remember who you belong to.”

“Don’t worry, I remember.” Liu Tao raps Jiang Xin’s temple. “And make sure you remember how much you mean to me.”

“Yeah,” Jiang Xin says quietly. “I’ll remember.”

 

“Fan-jie! Andy-jie!” Yang Zi exclaims as soon as she sees them.

“Don’t call me Fan-jie,” Jiang Xin says, as usual, and Liu Tao smiles, as usual.

“Xiao mei mei mei,” Yang Zi corrects, and Jiang Xin grins and pinches her cheek. Liu Tao wonders if she’s seeing Jiang Xin and Yang Zi or Fan Shengmei and Qiu Yingying. “When did you two get here?”

“I came in this morning,” Liu Tao says.

“I got here like, just now,” Jiang Xin says. “I went to see my woman first.” She gestures toward Liu Tao.

Yang Zi pouts. “What about me? You didn’t care about seeing me.”

Jiang Xin cups Yang Zi’s face between her hands and squeezes her cheeks so hard that Yang Zi looks like a chipmunk. “Aww, did my little qiuyin miss me?”

“Ihandree.”

“What?”

Liu Tao clears her throat. “I think she can’t breathe, Xin.”

“Oh.” Jiang Xin releases Yang Zi’s face, and Yang Zi rubs her cheek with an injured look. “Hey, I was just showing you that I missed you, like you wanted.”

“I didn’t want you to almost choke me!” Yang Zi splutters. “How do you show Tao-jie that you miss her, then? Smother her with a pillow?”

“That sounds kinky,” Liu Tao remarks mildly, and Jiang Xin flushes.

“Besides, she’s the one who misses me more,” Jiang Xin says, “since she’s my woman and all.”

“That’s right,” Liu Tao says, holding Jiang Xin’s gaze. “I’ve missed you a lot.”

“Did you miss me, Tao-jie?” Yang Zi asks hopefully.

“Of course,” Liu Tao says truthfully, reaching over to ruffle her hair, but Yang Zi ducks away.

“My cheeks have had enough,” she grumbles.

“What’s that?” Jiang Xin asks. “You want me to squeeze them some more?” She approaches Yang Zi with grabby hands, and Yang Zi calls out “help!” and runs away. Jiang Xin chases after her, and Liu Tao watches them in amusement, feeling like she’s back in middle school.

 

When Qiao Xin joins them, she’s greeted by Yang Zi almost barrelling into her.

“Oh, sorry,” Yang Zi gasps, doubled over and panting, but then breaks into a smile. “Hi!” she says, pulling Qiao Xin into a hug.

“Hi,” Qiao Xin replies, half-laughing. “What have you been doing?”

“Fan-jie was trying to kill me,” Yang Zi explains, and Qiao Xin doesn’t even look surprised, like it’s just a normal day at the office.

Qiao Xin smiles. “Tao-jie, Xin-jie,” she greets. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Guanguan, look how much prettier you’ve gotten,” Jiang Xin says affectionately, reaching toward her. However, instead of squeezing her cheeks, she drapes an arm around her. Liu Tao wonders when she’s gotten so touchy; sure, they’re all friends but there’s no need for Jiang Xin to put her hands all over them. “Are you trying to win over Dr. Zhao?”

“Xin-jie,” Qiao Xin says, sounding embarrassed.

“No, she’s trying to win over me,” Yang Zi says, throwing her arm around Qiao Xin’s other shoulder. “Right, Guanguan? We’re the 2202 twins.”

“Hey, what about me?” Jiang Xin interjects. “I live in 2202 too, you know.”

“Yeah, but your heart is in 2201 with Andy-jie,” Yang Zi says.

Jiang Xin looks at Liu Tao, who raises an eyebrow, as if asking _well, is it_? “Andy,” Jiang Xin starts, but Liu Tao never gets to find out Andy what because one of the assistant directors comes in and starts talking to them about schedules.

“Where _is_ Fan-xiaomei’s heart?” Liu Tao asks Jiang Xin later, when they’re in Liu Tao’s room again.

“Hmm, I think that’s a question you should ask the directors,” Jiang Xin replies, eyes closed and lounged back in the bed. “I think they might write up a new romantic arc for her.”

Liu Tao doesn’t like the idea of that. It’s bad enough that Zhang Lu seems entirely too smitten with Jiang Xin, as if his character’s feelings have seeped through the the script and lingered with him.

“What is it?” Jiang Xin opens her eyes and looks over at Liu Tao. “Hey, it’s about time Fan Shengmei gets to have some fun, after Andy’s romantic entanglement with all those guys.”

“There were only two guys,” Liu Tao says.

“Lao Tan should count too.” Jiang Xin pouts. “You don’t even want him, but you won’t let me have him.”

“Do you really want him that badly?” It comes out sharp. “Fan-xiaomei, you don’t even know him.”

“Whoa there.” Jiang Xin nudges her. “You really went into Andy mode there.”

Liu Tao blinks and lets out a breath. “Did I?”

“Yeah. You even had your patented Andy ice glare.” Jiang Xin makes a face like she’s saying _scary_. “Hey, I’m not really Fan Shengmei, you know.”

“I know. You’re Jiang Xin.” It comes out soft. “You have her good qualities but not her bad ones.”

Jiang Xin leans toward her. “What good qualities of hers do I have?”

“Well, you give good advice for one.”

Jiang Xin wrinkles her nose. “I never give you advice. I’m always asking you for advice.”

“You give other people advice,” Liu Tao says. “Like Qiu—Yang Zi and Qiao Xin.”

“It gets confusing, doesn’t it?” Jiang Xin laughs. “We’ve spent so much time in these characters’ heads that it’s sometimes hard to get out of them.”

“It does,” Liu Tao admits, “but I know you’re not Fan Shengmei.”

“And I know you’re not Andy.” Jiang Xin pats her hand. “I mean, Andy’s awesome but I’m glad that you’re a lot warmer than her.”

Liu Tao chuckles. “Are you?”

“Yeah.” Jiang Xin curls up toward her like a cat seeking heat. “You’re very warm.”

Jiang Xin is actually literally very warm, and Liu Tao finds her eyelids growing heavy. They have the rest of the night off, so she supposes there’s no harm in—

She falls asleep and dreams of Fan Shengmei moving into 2201.

 

“I can’t believe you didn’t wake me up,” Liu Tao says, even though she’s used to it. She’s usually so exhausted that she can’t help falling asleep, and Jiang Xin never wakes her up even though she always promises Liu Tao she would.

Jiang Xin stretches idly, her shirt riding up and exposing a pale strip of stomach. “You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping, and I know you don’t sleep enough, so. Why would I wake you up?”

“There are things I should be doing instead of napping.”

“There are always things you should be doing,” Jiang Xin says with pursed lips.

Liu Tao reaches over and pulls her shirt down, and Jiang Xin squirms away, a laugh caught between her teeth. Liu Tao smiles and pinches her side, eliciting a squeal from her. Jiang Xin is so ticklish, and Liu Tao enjoys using that to her advantage once in a while.

“I surrender,” Jiang Xin says, holding her hands in the air. Her hair is a long, dark curtain around her flushed face, her dimple showing up even though she isn’t smiling. “What?” she asks, and Liu Tao realizes that she’s staring.

Liu Tao clears her throat. “You’re still so ticklish.”

Jiang Xin makes a face. “Well, it’s not something that just goes away.”

“I like it,” Liu Tao says, reaching toward her again, and Jiang Xin rolls away so quickly she almost falls off the bed. Liu Tao grabs her around the middle and pulls Jiang Xin toward her. “Be careful there.”

“You’re the one who did this to me,” Jiang Xin grumbles, cheeks still pink and dimple out of sight now. “If you want me to get off your bed, you can just say so.”

“Why would I want that? I like you in my bed. You look good here.” Jiang Xin’s blush darkens, and Liu Tao grins. Jiang Xin never shies away from innuendos herself, but whenever Liu Tao uses a more blatant one, she blushes like a schoolgirl. It’s adorable. “And hey, I saved you from falling onto the ground. Shouldn’t I get a thank you at least?”

“Thank you,” Jiang Xin says, practically spitting the words out. “Should I get you a medal, dear saviour?”

“No, you’re good enough of a prize,” Liu Tao says with a grin.

Jiang Xin snorts. “How many prizes do you have? I bet you go around saving girls all the time.”

Liu Tao laughs. “Why do you make me sound like some kind of knight in shining armour?”

“You’re the one who made yourself sound like one, okay?”

“Well, I have that sparkly dress with the sequins. Does that count as shining armour?”

Jiang Xin laughs hard enough for her dimple to pop out. “Don’t worry, you don’t need armour to shine. You’re bright enough already.”

“I should be saying that to you.”

Jiang Xin smiles. “We can shine together.”

Liu Tao smiles back. “Deal.”

 

“You really shouldn’t be so averse to naps,” Jiang Xin says. “You could definitely use some more.”

“I don’t really take naps unless I’m with you.”

Jiang Xin’s forehead scrunches up. “Does that mean I’m so boring I put you to sleep?”

“If you were boring, there would be no interesting people in this world,” Liu Tao says, and Jiang Xin smiles. “No, it means that… I’m more relaxed around you. I don’t think about the things that I have to do, and then I guess that I forget to push through my tiredness and it takes me over.”

Jiang Xin looks concerned. “You have too much on your plate.”

“It’s okay, I have a big plate,” Liu Tao says. “It can hold extra servings.”

Jiang Xin doesn’t smile. “You need to get more rest.”

Liu Tao exhales. “It’s just been especially hectic lately, with filming and Xinru’s wedding coming up and all.”

“Your life is always hectic,” Jiang Xin says, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “You’re never not busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you,” Liu Tao says with a grin. She expects Jiang Xin to give a cheesy reply or whine about how much time she’s spending with other girls, but Jiang Xin just keeps looking at her, fingers still lingering on her skin. Liu Tao clears her throat. “So, are you sad that your Hua-ge is getting married?”

“What?” Jiang Xin blinks, moving her hand away.

“Huo Jianhua,” Liu Tao clarifies. “Are you sad he’s getting married? Since he’s your ideal type and all.”

Jiang Xin rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on. I already got this question from ten different reporters – thanks for that, by the way.”

“Hey, I’m just looking out for you.”

“Looking out for me?” Jiang Xin repeats skeptically.

“Yeah, you never like any of the guys I suggest to you, so now that people know your ideal type, maybe there’ll be a better chance of you finding someone who fits it.”

Jiang Xin looks at her with an expression akin to disbelief. Liu Tao knows that she gets fed up with how hard Liu Tao tries to set her up with someone, but it’s just because she wants Jiang Xin to be happy. She wants Jiang Xin to have someone to take care of her, someone to come home to; above all, someone to make her happy. She just wants Jiang Xin to be happy.

“Well, thanks,” Jiang Xin mutters, in a tone that couldn’t have been less grateful. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

Liu Tao falters. “Xin—”

“You must be thinking that now that Xinru’s getting married, it should be my turn soon, huh?”

“I’m not saying you have to get married,” Liu Tao says. “I’m just. I.”

“I saw your Weibo post about how much you’re looking forward to seeing Xinru married,” Jiang Xin says. Liu Tao thinks about making a joke about how Jiang Xin basically stalks her Weibo, but it doesn’t feel like the right time for a joke. “Would you look forward to seeing me married?”

“Of course,” Liu Tao says automatically. She imagines seeing Jiang Xin in a wedding dress, glowing and radiant, walking down the aisle toward her lucky groom. The man who would take care of her, who would be there for her to come home to, who would make her happy. It’s exactly what Liu Tao wants for Jiang Xin, but the thought makes her stomach roil.

“I guess I should work on finding a fiancé as soon as possible,” Jiang Xin says with a twist of her mouth, turning her face away. “So you can stop having to look out for me.”

“You don’t have to make it sound like a burden. It’s not like that.” Liu Tao doesn’t like how Jiang Xin isn’t looking at her. She reaches over to turn Jiang Xin’s chin toward her, but Jiang Xin flinches minutely, barely perceptible but enough to make Liu Tao freeze. Jiang Xin has never so much as shied away from her touch; in fact, she’s usually the first to make contact, to loop her arm through Liu Tao’s or rest her head against Liu Tao’s shoulder. Jiang Xin has never…

“Xin?” Her voice comes out small. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re always talking about how you want me to find a boyfriend.”

Liu Tao frowns. “That’s just because I want you to find someone who can make you happy.”

Jiang Xin’s voice rises. “Did you ever think that maybe I already found that someone?”

“You did?” Liu Tao ignores the way her stomach turns again. “Who is he? Why haven’t you introduced him to me?”

Jiang Xin looks at her like she’s a complete and utter idiot. “Liu Tao,” she says slowly. “I know your IQ isn’t as high as mine, but you’re far from stupid so don’t ask me stupid questions now.”

“I—” Liu Tao opens and closes her mouth. She feels like she has to film a key scene but she has no idea what her lines are. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Jiang Xin’s face shuts down in a way that it almost never does. Her face is usually so lively; her eyebrows never stay still and her eyes are always flickering with whatever emotion she’s feeling. For such an excellent actress, Jiang Xin is incapable of acting when the cameras are turned off. That’s what Liu Tao has always thought anyway, but Jiang Xin’s face is like a fortress right now instead of the billboard it usually is.

“Never mind then,” Jiang Xin says in a toneless voice. “Aren’t you really busy? I’m busy too. I should get going, actually.”

She turns to leave, and Liu Tao gathers enough of her wits to reach out to stop her. She manages to grab the edge of Jiang Xin’s sleeve, but Jiang Xin twists away from her.

“Don’t touch me,” Jiang Xin snaps, and Liu Tao is the one to flinch this time.

“I—sorry, I—” Liu Tao swallows. “Sorry.”

Jiang Xin looks at her for a long moment, her frosty expression thawing slightly. “Tao,” she says, soft, and Liu Tao’s heart picks itself up from where it’s sunken into her stomach. “There isn’t anyone to introduce you to, okay? And there never will be.”

Liu Tao doesn’t know how to process that, and while her mind is fixated on the words, turning them over and over until there’s no room for anything else, Jiang Xin gives her another long, searching look and turns away.

This time, Liu Tao can do nothing but watch her go.

 

Liu Tao does what she always does when she’s at an utter loss: she calls Qin Hailu.

“…and then she just left,” she finishes recounting what happened with Jiang Xin.

“Liu Tao,” Qin Hailu says slowly. “Are you really telling me that you don’t know why she said all that?”

“Am I supposed to?” Liu Tao says in frustration. “It’s like she was speaking in riddles, and she may be good at solving them but I’m not.”

Qin Hailu heaves out a long breath. “You know, you’re one of the smartest people I know so I don’t understand how you can be so dumb.”

“Jiang Xin is way smarter than me.”

“Jiang Xin has a higher IQ,” Qin Hailu acknowledges, “but we’re not talking about IQ here.”

_“I know your IQ isn’t as high as mine, but you’re far from stupid so don’t ask me stupid questions now.”_

Liu Tao lets out a long sigh. “Well, whatever we’re talking about, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do either. I feel like I don’t know anything.”

Qin Hailu is silent for a moment. “Well, you could talk to her.”

Liu Tao gives a hollow laugh. “She doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t—she’s never been like this before.”

“I guess she’s finally had enough,” Qin Hailu murmurs in a low voice, almost like she’s talking to herself.

“Enough of what?” Liu Tao asks. Enough of her? Is Jiang Xin…sick of her? The thought makes Liu Tao feel physically ill, her stomach twisting and her chest following suit.

“Never mind.”

“Hailu—”

“I guess this means that you’ve lost a concubine from your harem.”

“What?” Liu Tao asks blankly.

“You know, your harem.”

She can’t believe the things her fans come up with sometimes, the talk of her “harem,” like she has a collection of women or something. It’s amusing until they take it too seriously, like all the wars between Qin Hailu’s fans and Jiang Xin’s fans.

“Why are you bringing that up?”

“Well, I just thought of it because I saw some…comments from Jiang Xin’s fans on that Weibo photo of us the other day.”

Liu Tao didn’t check the comments; she could already imagine what they say. “I’m sorry you keep getting dragged into this.”

“Hey, if that’s the price of being your best friend, I’ll take it. I still think I’m getting a pretty good deal.”

Liu Tao gives a slow, tired laugh. “Well, I’m glad you think so.”

“And at least in your harem, it’s agreed that I’m your main concubine, while Jiang Xin is a side one.”

“Yeah, and she never lets that go,” Liu Tao says, fondness seeping into her voice, the way it’s prone to when she’s talking about Jiang Xin. “Just like how she never lets the ‘who’s the top’ debate go.”

“This is the part that confuses me,” Qin Hailu says. “You talk about her half the time like she’s this total child, and the other half of the time you’re flirting with her like a honeymooning couple.”

“That’s just for fun,” Liu Tao says. “You know how the TaoXin fans lap it up.”

“I do,” Qin Hailu says, “and we do the same thing sometimes, don’t we? Except you don’t flirt with me nearly as much as you do with her.”

“Are you jealous, Lulu?” Liu Tao teases. “You know you’re my main concubine.”

“Tao,” Qin Hailu says gravely. “With me, I know it’s just for fun, we both know. And with her, maybe you think it’s just for fun, or it’s for the fans, but did you ever think that it might not be for her? That she might be serious?”

“Serious?” Liu Tao repeats, like she’s never heard the word before. She might as well not have. Qin Hailu’s words all make sense on their own, but strung together, they make a concept that Liu Tao can’t take in at all.

“I always thought that you two were a bit too much, but I thought you were just two friends – two really close friends – having some fun, making some jokes.”

“We are,” Liu Tao says, but the words fall strangely flat.

“I don’t think it’s a joke to her.”

“But—” Liu Tao starts to say, but then finds that she has nothing to say and gives up on speech.

“Tao,” Qin Hailu says. “What did she say at the end again?”

“She said…she said there isn’t anyone to introduce me to, and there never will be.”

“You know why she said that, right?”

Liu Tao closes her eyes. Stays silent.

“Tao?” Qin Hailu presses.

“What do I do, Hailu?” Liu Tao asks, her voice shaking and her resolve along with it, if she has any left.

“Well,” Qin Hailu says after a beat. “How do you feel about her?”

 

“Andy-jie,” Wang Ziwen greets when she sees her. Her eyebrows fly up when she sees all the empty water bottles beside Liu Tao. “Okay, I know I just called you that, but – are you really turning into her?”

Liu Tao puts down the almost empty bottle in her hand. “I’ve discovered that drinking water really does make me feel better.”

Wang Ziwen wrinkles her nose. “Sounds like they’ve conditioned you. What’s going to happen next, you’re not going to want to touch people?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you try touching me?”

“I’d rather not,” Wang Ziwen laughs. “Fan-jie is probably going to kill me.”

Liu Tao makes sure to keep her expression steady. “Don’t call her Fan-jie, you know she hates that.”

“Fan-jie or Fan-xiaomei or Xin-jie, I don’t want to get on her bad side,” Wang Ziwen says. “It’s bad enough that Wang Kai’s fans all want to kill me, I don’t need more people after me.”

“How are things going with Wang Kai?”

“Tao-jie,” Wang Ziwen whines. “Not you too.”

Liu Tao holds up her hands. “Hey, I’m just asking a question.”

“I barely see him around, he’s always either with Jin Dong or Hu Ge. If I didn’t know better, I’d think one of them is his love interest instead of me.”

Liu Tao chuckles. “Now you know how I felt in _Nirvana in Fire_.”

“Well, if Dr. Zhao runs off with Mei Changsu, then…” Wang Ziwen trails off with a wistful sigh.

“Then what?” Liu Tao prompts, half-laughing.

“Then maybe I can be with Princess Nihuang.” Wang Ziwen bats her eyelashes at her, and Liu Tao does burst into laughter this time. Then Wang Ziwen’s eyes widen and she looks over Liu Tao’s shoulder like she’s seen a ghost.

“What?” Liu Tao asks, turning around, her heart torn between lifting and sinking, but she only sees one of the makeup artists. Not her.

“Oh, nothing,” Wang Ziwen says. “I thought I saw Fan-jie and I was getting ready to run for my life, but I guess I was mistaken.”

“Why would you need to run for your life?” Liu Tao asks with a chuckle that sounds dry. “It’s not like.” It’s not like we’re together. It’s not like I belong to her.

“Andy-jie,” Wang Ziwen sighs disapprovingly. “You know Fan-jie doesn’t like it when you flirt with other girls.”

“I’m not flirting with you.”

Wang Ziwen raises an eyebrow at her, like she’s saying _really_. “Tao-jie.” They alternate between referring to each other by their characters’ names and their real names all the time, and Liu Tao’s never had a problem with it, but now she feels like she’s getting a headache. “You flirt with me all the time. Even the way you look at me is—charged. It’s like what Qiao Xin said – when you look at me, I feel like you like me.”

“Well…” Liu Tao doesn’t know what to say to that.

“Don’t worry,” Wang Ziwen says. “I’m not getting the wrong idea. I know you’re not serious. Well, not when you’re flirting with me, anyway.” She pats Liu Tao on the shoulder. “Anyway, I have to go. I’m supposed to talk to Wang Kai about our next scene…if I can pry him away from the Ming brothers.”

That gets a laugh out of Liu Tao. “You’re going to give me a headache with all these drama crossovers.”

“Okay, I’ll keep it simple.” Wang Ziwen makes the ‘okay’ sign. “See you later, Tao-jie. Say hi to Xin-jie for me!”

“I will,” Liu Tao says reflexively. It’s only after Wang Ziwen leaves that she realizes she doesn’t even know when she’ll see Jiang Xin next. If things were normal, she would probably be crashed in Jiang Xin’s room right now, or vice versa.

Liu Tao gives a long exhale and picks up the last water bottle she has, draining it in a few swigs. Idly, she wonders what Andy would do in this situation. What would Andy do if she fell in love with Fan Shengmei?

“What are you thinking about?”

“What Andy would do if she—” Liu Tao snaps her mouth shut. Looks up. Meets Hu Ge’s eyes.

“What Andy would do if she what?” he asks, taking a seat next to her.

Liu Tao puts down the water bottle in her hand. “If she really turned as psychotic as she feared. As her mother and grandmother turned.”

It isn’t the question she was wondering just now, but it is a question that she’s wondered before, that she’s had a long, in-depth conversation with Jiang Xin about. She had asked Jiang Xin, completely serious, “What would you do if I were diagnosed with psychosis?” and Jiang Xin had replied, equally as serious, completely sincere, “I would stay by your side and do whatever I could to help you.”

Hu Ge makes a thoughtful sound. “That’s an interesting question, isn’t it?”

Liu Tao lets out another breath. She wishes her mind was as easy to clear as her lungs. “You must think I’m crazy for thinking about such a question.” She winces a little at her word choice. “Not to abuse that word.”

“No, I don’t think you’re crazy,” he says. “I think you’re a serious actress. We don’t just stop being our character when the cameras turn off.”

This is one of the many reasons that she likes Hu Ge. He _understands_ acting in a way that many people don’t expect from such a young actor who started off as an idol actor and who some may still lump into the ‘young fresh meat’ category. Those people don’t know him at all.

“In your case, I think you’re staying a little too true to Andy,” he says, gesturing toward the empty water bottles.

“Yeah, probably.”

“It’s okay, after _Nirvana in Fire_ , I really developed a bad cough.”

“Really?” she asks, alarmed. “Are you okay now? Did you see a doctor about that?”

“I already have,” he says heavily, “and they said…”

“What?”

“…that I’m just kidding.” Hu Ge looks at her with a grin, and she realizes that she’s just been played.

Liu Tao swats him in the shoulder. “I thought you would have picked up some of Mei Changsu’s calmness and poise.”

“If I did, I lost it while filming _Good Times_.”

She shakes her head with a smile. “Oh, you. I’ve missed you.”

“Don’t worry, Lin Shu-gege is back and he’s not going to die this time.”

“Well, even if he’s sick, I’m sure Dr. Zhao could fix him back up.”

Hu Ge makes a face. “The JingSu shippers are going crazy over us being in the same drama again.”

“Can you blame them? Shippers are always going to be crazy.”

“They are, and I do have to admit that sometimes we encourage them too much, but… I don’t think they realize how overboard they go.” There’s a deep frown carved between his eyebrows, and she can guess what he’s thinking about. “I don’t think they realize that they’re ruining the very relationship that they’re so fixated on.”

“Are you and Huo Jianhua,” she starts to ask, but she doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, so it dangles awkwardly in the air between them.

“Hua-ge and I are fine,” Hu Ge says. “Now. We…didn’t realize how seriously fans would take our five years’ vow.” He rubs a hand over his forehead. “That was a misstep on my part.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. We can’t always know how seriously they’re going to take something.”

“Hua-ge complains that I go overboard sometimes,” he says with a wry twist of his mouth, “and I guess now we’re paying for that. Sometimes I wonder if I have the right to complain about the fire when I was the one who fanned the flames.”

Liu Tao frowns. “Hey,” she starts.

“I know, I know.” He waves his hands in front of him. “I think about these things too much. It’s just—to this day, I still can’t figure out what’s the best way to handle these things. I don’t want to disappoint my fans, but I can’t satisfy their fantasies either.”

This is the thing about Hu Ge – he’s always thinking about other people, about his colleagues, about his fans; he’s always thinking, period, and his thoughts are no doubt like a labyrinth that he can and probably does get lost in.

“You’re really good to your fans. You shouldn’t feel like you’re letting them down when you’re always thinking of them at every turn.”

“But no matter what we do, we’re letting someone down, right?”

That’s true, Liu Tao thinks. No matter what they do, they’re letting someone down. She can’t even count how many people she’s let down already, and she has no idea how to face the number one person on that list.

 

“Men are so much trouble,” Fan Shengmei sighs into her pillow. “Don’t you just want to give up on them sometimes?”

Andy’s mouth twists. “Is something going on with Wang Baichuan?”

“Don’t even mention him to me.” Fan Shengmei rolls over, and Andy – no, Liu Tao – can’t help the way her eyes trace over the curves of her body. “He’s dead to me.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Fan Shengmei says, but then in the next breath, she starts ranting about him. Liu Tao knows she should be paying attention to what she’s saying, or at least pretending to, but all she can do is stare at the movement of Fan Shengmei’s – or is it Jiang Xin’s? – mouth. Her lipstick is a tiny bit smudged at one corner – knowing Jiang Xin, probably because she ate something – and Liu Tao wants to wipe away the stain with her thumb.

“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” Fan Shengmei – or is it Jiang Xin? – demands. Liu Tao blinks, her mind whirring. Was that part of the script? What does the script say? What is she supposed to say?

“Sorry,” she says weakly, all Liu Tao now, with no Andy to hide behind. “I forgot my line.”

“You’ve had quite a few issues with this whole scene,” the director, Kong Sheng, says.

“It’s because I’m here,” Hu Ge says from where he’s with the camera crew, eliciting quite a few laughs. “I’m sorry – my presence is just too distracting.”

“Yes, it’s all Lin Shu-gege’s fault,” Liu Tao says. Jiang Xin looks between the two of them with an inscrutable expression. She hasn’t said a single word to Liu Tao outside the script – she hasn’t said a single word to Liu Tao at all, she’s only spoken to Andy. “I’m sorry,” Liu Tao says to Kong Sheng. “I’m just… I’m really sorry. I’ll try harder.”

“Let’s take a ten-minute break,” he says. “Liu Tao, Jiang Xin, if I could talk to you two for a moment?”

He starts walking to a secluded area of the set, with Jiang Xin following him immediately and Liu Tao taking a moment before her feet realize they have to move. The click of Andy’s heels sounds jarringly loud against the ground, forming a syncopated rhythm with her heartbeat.

“Now,” Kong Sheng says, looking between the two of them. “I’m not here to talk about Liu Tao and Jiang Xin – I’m here to talk about Andy and Fan Shengmei. They’re supposed to be great friends. As of the last scene they shot, they were still great friends, and now they can’t even look at each other.”

Liu Tao glances at Jiang Xin, who is resolutely staring at Kong Sheng.

“If you two need, we can postpone shooting this scene. I could have Qiao Xin and Hu Ge shoot their scene first—”

“That won’t be necessary,” Jiang Xin says. “I’m sure we can shoot a great scene together.” She looks at Liu Tao. “Right, Andy?”

Liu Tao pushes herself away and lets Andy take over. “Of course, Fan-xiaomei,” she says with a smile.

Kong Sheng looks neither convinced nor unconvinced. “If you two are sure…”

“We’re sure,” Jiang Xin says. Liu Tao wonders if she’s that eager to finish the scene so she can be rid of Liu Tao. “Right, Andy?” she asks again, her eyes trained on Liu Tao, her gaze bright and warm. Liu Tao was wrong; Jiang Xin can act off-screen after all.

Liu Tao nods, says, “Right,” even though there’s nothing right about this, even though the last thing she wants to do right now is act, literally act, like they’re friends.

“Okay well, there are still a couple of minutes of break left. I’ll see you two soon.” Kong Sheng leaves, and Jiang Xin makes to follow him.

“Xin,” Liu Tao says. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Jiang Xin doesn’t turn back, but she stops. “What is it?” Her voice isn’t cold, exactly, but it’s far from inviting.

“Will you look at me?” Jiang Xin’s shoulders form a sharp, tense line. “Please?”

Jiang Xin moves slowly, reluctantly, but she does move and meets Liu Tao’s eyes. Liu Tao isn’t a fan of the way they do Fan Shengmei’s makeup sometimes; they cake on too much and do it in a way that makes Jiang Xin look older rather than younger. However, she doesn’t think it’s the makeup that makes Jiang Xin look aged in this moment, but rather the heavy look in her eyes.

“Xin,” Liu Tao starts.

“We’re supposed to be Fan Shengmei and Andy right now,” Jiang Xin says. “If you have something to say to Jiang Xin, can’t it wait?”

No, Liu Tao thinks. No, it can’t wait. “We’re not Fan Shengmei and Andy,” she says, “and what’s going on between us can’t be fixed with a _cut_ and _take two_.”

“What’s going on between us,” Jiang Xin repeats. “What _is_ going on between us?”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about.” Liu Tao reaches toward her on instinct, but even before Jiang Xin starts to pull away, Liu Tao drops her hand. She reminds herself that Jiang Xin isn’t hers to touch right now. “Xin, the thing is. I.”

Jiang Xin looks at her, eyes dark and searching but with that vulnerability in them that twists something in Liu Tao’s chest. She’s delivered countless monologues before, she’s given many declarations of her love, but she finds herself completely speechless right now.

“Tao,” Jiang Xin starts, and just like last time, she’s interrupted before she can say what she wants to. It’s the second assistant director this time, who’s come to remind them that the ten-minute break is over, are they ready to film the scene now?

A part of Liu Tao wants to say no, wants to say that she’s not ready, she can’t do this, she can’t film a scene with Fan Shengmei when all she sees is Jiang Xin, all she hears is Jiang Xin, all she wants is— She can’t do this. A larger part of her, the professional part, the responsible part, shuts that selfish little voice down. She’s an actress, and she can put aside her life for a moment to play someone else’s. She has to.

“Come on,” Jiang Xin says, reaching over to squeeze Liu Tao’s hand. “Let’s do this, okay?”

Liu Tao can tell that Jiang Xin is talking to her, not to Andy. She smiles and squeezes back. “Okay.”

 

They manage to shoot the scene without another hitch, and Liu Tao wants to find Jiang Xin right away afterwards, but the assistant director wants to talk to her and Zhang Lu about their next scene. Liu Tao can do nothing but watch them walk away together, Zhang Lu’s hand hovering over her back, entirely way too close and low to be friendly. Liu Tao doesn’t realize that she’s gritting her teeth until she hears the sound of it.

“Better watch your expression,” says a mild voice right by her ear. “You never know when someone will take a picture.”

Her head snaps around, only to see Hu Ge giving her a meaningful look. She releases a breath and schools her expression.

“There we go.” He smiles. “Now I’m not afraid for my life anymore.”

“Why would you be anyway?” He starts walking, and she follows him without their conversation breaking tempo.

“You don’t know how scary you can look. Especially since you’re normally so warm and friendly so it’s a real shock to be on the end of one of your glares.”

“The warmth is just a mask,” she says, and he laughs.

“I thought so. You’re just trying to get us to lower our defences and then you can strike.”

“You got me.”

Hu Ge holds his hands out, like he’s trying to protect himself. “Please spare me, mighty Princess Nihuang. I am but a poor peasant.” He coughs weakly, and she’s brought back to the set of _Nirvana in Fire_ , of Hu Ge making her laugh so hard her stomach hurt.

“I just got out of character, don’t make me get into another character,” she says, swatting him.

He winces theatrically. “Okay, it’s bad enough you hit me when you forget your lines. Do you have to do it when we’re not even filming?”

“I guess I’ve just gotten into the habit.”

They’ve reached one of the spare trailers, and Hu Ge opens the door for her before stepping in himself, closing the door behind them.

“A habit of violence?” he asks dryly. “Do you hit Feng-ge too?”

“Now that you mention it, I don’t think so. I think it’s just you.”

“I’m honoured, but maybe you should save the energy for remembering your lines.”

“Don’t worry, I have plenty of energy to go around.”

“You seem to be spending all of your energy on Jiang Xin,” he says, looking at her appraisingly. “I haven’t seen your eyes leave her this whole time.”

Liu Tao tenses up. “I was filming a scene with her, of course I wasn’t going to look somewhere else.”

“Even after filming ended, you didn’t stop looking at her until she left with Zhang Lu. And then you only took your eyes off her to glare at him.”

“Have you been watching me this whole time?” She raises her eyebrows. “Lin Shu-gege, I know you’re used to watching out for me but this might be a bit too much.”

“I’m more used to you watching out for me than anything,” Hu Ge says. “You’re always taking care of everyone else, Tao-jie. When will you start to take care of yourself?”

This is not a direction she expected him to take. “I do take care of myself.”

“I want you to be happy,” he says, so gently that she has no idea what to say in reply. “I mean, we’re filming a drama called _Ode to Joy_ but I’m not seeing a lot of joy around.”

She frowns. “I’d say this is a pretty happy set.”

“It is, but it’s also a set that has quite its share of tension.” He pauses. “Especially between you and Jiang Xin.”

“There’s nothing going on between me and Jiang Xin.”

“Do you want there to be?” he asks mildly, and Liu Tao stares at him. “Whoa, here’s the glare again.”

“I’m not glaring at you,” she says, although she drops her eyes.

“Hey, I’m not asking to pry, I’m just…”

“…being a friend, I know,” she says tiredly. “I appreciate it.”

“You don’t sound like it.” She raises her eyes to actually give him a glare, only to see him directing that playful, boyish grin of his at her, and her own mouth succumbs into a smile. “Look, Tao-jie, I just think that… I mean, I don’t know Jiang Xin well, but I can see how much you care about each other. If you have the opportunity to seize your happiness, then grab it with both hands and don’t let go. Take it from someone who let happiness slip through his fingers,” he adds with a tired smile.

“Ge,” she says quietly.

“That’s all I wanted to say,” he says, raising his arms over his head and stretching. Something in his body makes a popping sound at the motion. “Ah, I’m getting old. Just treat it as an old man’s wisdom.”

“You’re younger than me,” she points out.

“But I’ll always be your Lin Shu-gege,” he says with a bright smile, and there is a lot that Liu Tao can say to this but she just ends up smiling back. Some friendships don’t need any more words than this.

 

Nobody knows where Jiang Xin is. Yang Zi doesn’t know (“Fan-jie? Wasn’t she with Zhang Lu?”), Wang Ziwen doesn’t know (“hey if you see her, can you ask her where she got that face mask she Wechat-ed?), Wang Kai doesn’t know (“I haven’t seen her, but hey, were you talking with Hu Ge? Do you know where he is now?”) and a part of Liu Tao just wants to return to her room and collapse into bed. Maybe she would find Jiang Xin there. No, Jiang Xin wouldn’t go to her room anymore, Jiang Xin—

Liu Tao hurries off, almost bumping into one of the hairstylists, as she finally makes it to the break room where they keep refreshments. There’s a familiar tall figure bent over a fruit platter at the end of the table.

“There you are!” Liu Tao says in relief. “I’ve been looking for you all over.”

Jiang Xin turns to look at her, holding a toothpick with a piece of pineapple. It falls onto the ground, and her face scrunches up. She grabs a tissue, wadding it up and bending down to pick up the fruit, and by the time she straightens, Liu Tao has made her way to the table.

“Are you here for snacks too?” Jiang Xin asks.

“No, I’m here for you,” Liu Tao says, and almost gets pierced by the toothpick in Jiang Xin’s hand as she moves her hand.

“Oh, sorry,” Jiang Xin says, hurriedly putting the toothpick down.

“I know you’re mad at me, but is that really a reason to try and blind me with a toothpick?”

“I wasn’t trying to blind you!” Jiang Xin sounds so serious that it makes Liu Tao smile, although she can’t maintain the expression.

“But you _are_ mad at me.”

“Yes,” Jiang Xin admits.

“Can we talk?” Liu Tao asks, gently taking the tissue-wrapped pineapple from Jiang Xin and setting it on the table.

Jiang Xin seems to think about it for a moment, worrying her lower lip until it’s reddened and plush. “Okay,” she finally says. “Where?”

“Somewhere without toothpicks?”

“I wasn’t trying to blind you,” Jiang Xin repeats, frowning. “Or touch you at all.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you touched me,” Liu Tao says without thinking, and Jiang Xin’s frown, instead of clearing, deepens. “I mean – even Andy doesn’t mind when you touch her.”

“I don’t touch Andy. Fan Shengmei touches Andy.”

“And we all know how Andy is about touching, but she doesn’t mind at all when it’s Fan Shengmei.”

“Are you here to talk to me about Fan Shengmei and Andy?”

“No, I’m here to talk to you about Jiang Xin and Liu Tao.”

Jiang Xin crosses her arms over her chest. “Well, Jiang Xin is listening.”

“Well, Liu Tao wants to say—” She licks her lips. “This talking in third person is strange. Can we go back to first person?”

Jiang Xin smiles, and Liu Tao feels strangely accomplished. Normally, Jiang Xin smiles all the time around her, and it’s effortless for Liu Tao to make her smile. She didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s made Jiang Xin smile until now.

“Okay, if you want.”

“I do want,” Liu Tao says. “I also want—can we go somewhere else?” They’re the only people around right now, but who knows how long that’ll last.

“Where’s that toothpick-less place you mentioned?”

“Your room?” Liu Tao suggests, thinking that Jiang Xin probably wouldn’t want to go to Liu Tao’s room.

“I like your room better,” Jiang Xin says, like she always does, even though their rooms are the same size – actually, Jiang Xin’s might be a little bigger – and have a similar set-up.

Liu Tao smiles. “Okay, Xin,” she says indulgently, like she always does. She reaches over instinctively to take Jiang Xin’s hand, but then she remembers what happened the last time she tried to touch Jiang Xin and freezes.

Jiang Xin closes the rest of the distance between them and loops their arms together. Then she lets go so quickly that Liu Tao almost stumbles. “Wait, I have to get some fruit. You made me drop my pineapple and now you almost made me forget about everything else.”

“Oh.” Liu Tao watches, bemused, as Jiang Xin loads up not one but two plates full of fruit. “I’m sorry.”

“Take this,” Jiang Xin orders, pushing one plate into Liu Tao’s hand. She grabs the pineapple that had fallen onto the ground and throws it into the garbage before picking up the other plate.

“Sorry,” Liu Tao says as they’re walking. “I really am.” She isn’t talking about the fruit this time, and she hopes that Jiang Xin can pick it up.

Jiang Xin looks at her for a long moment. “It’s okay,” she says, giving Liu Tao a piece of watermelon, being very careful with the toothpick. “Don’t want you to accuse me of trying to stab your tongue,” she says with a smile, and Liu Tao laughs, almost choking on the watermelon. Jiang Xin thumps her on the back so hard that she only coughs harder. “Tao,” Jiang Xin says worriedly. “Are you okay?”

Liu Tao wheezes before managing to swallow the piece of fruit. “I’m okay,” she says. “You didn’t stab me with the toothpick, at least.”

“I’m sorry.” Jiang Xin looks at her, eyes wide and bottom lip jutting out, still reddened from how she was worrying it earlier. Liu Tao has a strong urge to suck that lip into her own mouth and check whether Jiang Xin’s mouth tastes like pineapple.

Liu Tao clears her throat. “It’s okay. That was a good piece of watermelon. Really. Very sweet.”

Jiang Xin picks up another one, looking indecisive about whether or not to give it to her. Liu Tao opens her mouth, and Jiang Xin very carefully places it between her lips.

“Is it good?” Jiang Xin asks, almost anxiously.

Liu Tao gives her a smile. “The best,” she says, meaning it. Watermelon has never tasted sweeter.

Jiang Xin’s smile makes her feel more than just accomplished. It makes her feel—Liu Tao doesn’t have the words. It makes her feel, period.

 

They don’t talk about them right away once they reach Liu Tao’s room. Instead, they finish their fruit, and Jiang Xin complains about how she doesn’t like the changes they made to her script for this one scene and how she thinks there’s something going on between Wang Ziwen and Wang Kai and how she found this cute post about cats on Weibo, and Liu Tao listens to her and smiles, feeling like everything is finally back to normal.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Hu Ge lately,” Jiang Xin notes.

“Have I?” She hasn’t spent as much time with him as she did when they were filming _Nirvana in Fire_ , but she supposes it’s different since they played love interests then.

“Is it not enough time for you?”

“We have a lot of fun together,” Liu Tao says. “He’s like my little brother.”

“Hmm.”

Liu Tao gives her a closer look. “You’re not jealous, are you?” she teases.

“What right do I have to be jealous?” Jiang Xin asks with a hollow laugh.

Liu Tao falters. “Xin. Is this about…us?”

“Us?”

“The – what we do—”

“And what do we do?” Jiang Xin asks slowly.

“You know,” Liu Tao says. “The boyfriend girlfriend talks, the lovey dovey emojis, the comments on Weibo—”

“You mean our relationship?” She has no idea what to make of the way Jiang Xin says “relationship.”

“Yes.” Liu Tao swallows. “That.”

Jiang Xin raises an eyebrow. “What about it?”

“I thought that was just a thing we did,” Liu Tao says helplessly, “for the fans, or for – for fun.”

“It’s great fun, isn’t it?” Jiang Xin asks with a bitter twist of her mouth.

“I didn’t realize.” Liu Tao breaks off. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I said it all the time, didn’t I?” Jiang Xin stares at her. “I tell you how I feel about you all the time.”

Liu Tao doesn’t know what to say except, “I thought you were joking.”

“Yeah, I thought I was at first too. And then.” Jiang Xin shrugs. “Don’t worry,” she adds. “I know that you were always joking. That you never meant any of it. My EQ is low but not that low.”

“I-I wasn’t,” Liu Tao says.

“What?”

“I always thought that I was joking, that-that we did all that just for the fans, but.” Liu Tao takes a deep breath, feels it cyclone in her ribcage. “I don’t like it when you do the same thing with other people.”

Jiang Xin frowns. “I don’t do this with other people. I’m not you, flirting out there with every other girl you see.”

It’s always sounded like playful whining from her, but suddenly it takes on a whole new meaning.

“I don’t flirt with them,” Liu Tao can only think to say, and Jiang Xin gives her a look of disbelief. “Okay, I flirt with them but I don’t Flirt with them. I only Flirt with you.”

Jiang Xin’s face flashes through a montage of emotions, very much a billboard again. She opens her mouth, but no sound escapes her lips. Her face is paler than ever, her eyes looking like open wounds, and it hurts Liu Tao to see her like this, especially since it’s because of her.

“Xin.” Liu Tao takes her hand. Jiang Xin doesn’t pull away from her, hand hanging limply in Liu Tao’s grasp. “Listen to me.”

Jiang Xin looks at her expectantly, wordlessly; she’s usually so chatty that her silence is thunderously loud.

“The thing is – I don’t—” Liu Tao is beyond frustrated at herself for her inability to put how she feels into words, something that she’s never struggled with before. She tries to channel decisive Andy, valiant Nihuang, clever Zhiyi, but none of them come to her and she’s only left with her own self. “I always thought that I had a high EQ, but it turns out that I’ve been completely stupid.”

Jiang Xin’s eyebrows draw together, and Liu Tao thinks that she’s going to say something but she just keeps looking at Liu Tao.

“All this time, I thought that we were just joking around, having some fun between friends. But now I realized that…the joke’s on me.” Liu Tao gives a dry laugh. “All the times that I didn’t like it when you’re too close with Yang Zi or Qiao Xin or Wang Ziwen – all the times that I wished Zhang Lu would stay away from you – all the times that I pushed myself to introduce someone to you while fighting back my own jealousy… I didn’t realize it.”

“Realize what?” Jiang Xin finally asks, barely a whisper.

Liu Tao meets her eyes squarely, no cameras on them, no script between them, just the two of them finally seeing each other.

“That I love you.”

Jiang Xin’s face loses what little colour it had left. “You…what?”

“I love you,” Liu Tao repeats. “Xin, I love you.”

“If you’re saying this just to—” Jiang Xin breaks off. “You’re a very talented actress. I wouldn’t know if you’re acting.”

Liu Tao tries not to feel hurt. “You think I’m lying to you?”

“I think you.” Jiang Xin bites her lip. “I think you would try to give me what I wanted, even if…”

“…if I didn’t feel the same way?” Liu Tao finishes. Jiang Xin says nothing, just looks at her with eyes that have never been able to hide anything. Liu Tao wonders just how blind she’s been, to miss what these eyes have been telling her all along. “Xin, I’m not so misguided that I would do something that would just make us both unhappy in the long run. I’m telling you how I honestly feel.”

“You…love…me?” Jiang Xin asks, forming each word like it takes enormous effort.

Liu Tao thinks about making a joke, or tacking on something cheesy, but she just nods and smiles. “I love you.”

“Me?” Jiang Xin still looks like she’s in disbelief, like she’s suspended in the chasm between reality and fantasy, afraid to step out a foot in case she meets empty air.

“Yes, you.” Liu Tao’s smile widens. She realizes that she’s still holding Jiang Xin’s hand and gives it a firm squeeze. “I’ve said it four times already. How many more times do you need me to say it before you’ll believe me?”

“A hundred,” Jiang Xin says, the colour coming back to her face in a rush of pink. “A thousand. A million.”

“If I say it that many times, won’t it lose its meaning?”

“No,” Jiang Xin says. “I could never tire of hearing you say that.”

“Well… I wouldn’t tire of hearing you say it either.”

Jiang Xin blinks. “I haven’t said it yet.”

Liu Tao laughs. “Exactly.”

Jiang Xin looks at her for so long that Liu Tao thinks about saying, _you don’t have to say it, it’s okay,_ because she can see the words so clearly in Jiang Xin’s eyes that it seems redundant for her to say them aloud. However, Liu Tao can’t deny that she wants to hear them. Just as Liu Tao is about to speak, Jiang Xin beats her to it.

“Tao, I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time now,” she says, candid in a way that is so…Jiang Xin. “There’s a lot that I want to say, but I’m not good with words when they’re not from a script. I’m so used to using other people’s words that a lot of the times I don’t think my own are as good or as right. But, I’ve wanted to tell you this for…a while, I don’t even know how long. I could use a lot more words to say this, and I’ll try to think of more that actually fit later on, but right now I just want to say this.

“I love you.”

Liu Tao can’t hold back anymore and presses her lips to the ones that she’s stared at and thought of so many times. She’s kissed Jiang Xin many times before, but this is the first time that she’s Kissed her. Jiang Xin’s lips are even softer than they look, and she opens her mouth readily for Liu Tao, who cups her face between her hands, gentle but firm, wanting to hold onto her as tightly as possible but afraid that she’ll bruise her at the same time.

“I love you,” Liu Tao says again, and then, “Xin,” repeating the words until they blur together and she can’t tell what she’s saying anymore. It doesn’t matter; they mean the same thing.

“Tao,” Jiang Xin is saying too, tongue curling around her name and body curling around Liu Tao’s. The curves that Liu Tao had previously tried not to stare at are now pressed right against her, and she feels like her head is spinning, her heart about to beat out of her chest.

“Xin. Jiang Xin.” Liu Tao draws in a deep breath. “We probably shouldn’t…”

“Shouldn’t what?” Jiang Xin asks. Then she seems to realize how closely they’re pressed together and her cheeks flood with colour, but she doesn’t move away. “We’ve wasted so much time. I don’t want to waste any more.”

“We have wasted a lot of time, haven’t we?”

They met when they were 17 and 22, but their roles had them skirting around each other, never spending time with each other until _Ode to Joy_ fourteen years later. It’s almost impossible for Liu Tao to connect Jiang Xin with the baby-faced teenager she had met all those years ago.

Jiang Xin runs a hand along Liu Tao’s cheek. “Shouldn’t we be making up for it?”

It’s beyond tempting, but—

“I think we’re going too fast,” Liu Tao says gently. “You wouldn’t even believe me when I told you I love you a few minutes ago.”

“I believe you now,” Jiang Xin says huffily.

Liu Tao chuckles. “I know you do, baby, I just think that—”

Jiang Xin cuts her off. “What did you call me?”

“Baby?” Liu Tao repeats. “Do you…not like it?”

“It’s fine,” Jiang Xin says gruffly, but the way her blush darkens gives her away.

“I called you that on your birthday card. You seemed to like it then.”

Jiang Xin’s mouth quirks up. “It’s kind of hard not to like a huge bouquet of roses.”

Liu Tao makes an acquiescent sound. “If you liked that, I’ll get you flowers all the time.”

“I’m supposed to get you flowers. I’m your boyfriend.”

“Okay baby,” Liu Tao says fondly. “Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten. Do you still remember what I told you?”

“Yeah,” Jiang Xin says, eyes shining with messages that no longer elude Liu Tao. “I remember.”

“Good,” Liu Tao says, and leans in to kiss her again.

**Author's Note:**

> The Chinese title is named after [说不出口](https://youtu.be/DRkX8zBYG50), Liu Tao's OST for _Ode to Joy_. It's [even better live](https://youtu.be/qNC4npj8K1M?t=8m41s)! I wanted to name the English title the same, but it doesn't translate well into English. 说不出口 means something along the lines of "the words I can't say/the words that won't leave my mouth."
> 
> Jiang Xin basically literally said "Even when you get old, I’ll still be your top" [on Weibo](http://i.imgur.com/3bcTsb5.png). The words 红颜 don't have an exact translation into English, so I translated it as youth, even though it also has connotations of beauty and femininity that I don't know how to translate.
> 
> Jiang Xin said that [Liu Tao works too hard, sleeps too little and is always exhausted, and it makes Jiang Xin hurt for her](https://youtu.be/4_EmibBhzP4?t=6m17s). Liu Tao [pinches Hu Ge when she forgets a line](https://youtu.be/Jd4Jhh3qlSo?t=1m4s). Liu Tao revealed that [Jiang Xin's ideal type is Huo Jianhua](https://youtu.be/UbwkaDnd8MA?t=7m3s). Liu Tao said that [even though she knows that it'll make her jealous, she thinks it's important for Jiang Xin to find a boyfriend so she can be "surrounded by happiness"](https://youtu.be/4_EmibBhzP4?t=6m47s). (I mean, I see an obvious solution to this...) Qiao Xin really did say that [when Liu Tao looks at you, you feel charged (literally you feel electrical discharge) and you think that she must like you](http://weibo.com/1273610165/DD4bE7X8g). (Tao-jie, please look at me!!!) Hu Ge and Huo Jianhua [made a vow in late 2015 that they would be together in 5 years if they were still both single by then](https://youtu.be/KbfaBbHfff4?t=1m48s). Liu Tao and Jiang Xin [really did meet when Jiang Xin was 17](https://youtu.be/a87OhvFXKrQ?t=7m27s)! Liu Tao got Jiang Xin [this huge bouquet](http://ww2.sinaimg.cn/mw690/6341ce20jw1f3o6071mnjj229831ge82.jpg) and wrote her [this card starting with "baby" and signing off with "with love, Andy"](http://ww2.sinaimg.cn/mw690/6341ce20jw1f3o628k4loj23402c01ky.jpg) for her birthday in 2016.
> 
> Andy [really loves drinking water](http://i.imgur.com/eCoKcu8.jpg) (slightly NSFW). Their characters are a really big ship in _Ode to Joy_ : [more cute fan art](http://i.imgur.com/nFtlAn3.jpg).
> 
> I can't believe I wrote 10k of TaoXin hahahaha well I just can't believe I wrote 10k of (finished) fic in general. It was challenging for me to write in Liu Tao's POV; I think I made her too dumb, she is such a perceptive and intelligent person, but hey, love can do that to you right? I love writing Jiang Xin in Liu Tao's perspective though, the way Liu Tao sees her. To be honest, it's the fandom headcanon that Jiang Xin likes Liu Tao as more than just a friend, while Liu Tao doesn't and I lowkey want to write a fic like that but my fluff-loving heart won't let me. I also want to write a Hu Ge-centric companion fic/sequel to this; Hu Ge's role in this turned bigger than I anticipated because I couldn't hold back my affection for him. I'm not alone in that; [Liu Tao adores him](https://youtu.be/YJsoQHvRoig?t=1m9s). BUT WE ALL KNOW WHO LIU TAO ADORES THE MOST.


End file.
